Saturday, April 23, 2011


Desperate situations require desperate solutions.

I don't know if it's possible to write about desperation when you're feeling as happy as you can feel. Such a strongly negative emotion. And to be honest, now that I haven't written anything in this blog for over ten days, I don't think desperation would give a great picture of what I've been up to. So, screw the title of this text. I'm going to type everything I need to type here about my last ten days and not going delve into any negative emotions, even though I could - and perhaps should.

I feel like I should express my thoughts and feelings of my last ten days as a stream of lyrics.

Surrounded by leaders

I am not. I am the leader of my own life and no one can take that away from me. The world can throw its worst challenges into my face and I can take them, turn them into victorious struggles and emerge from the struggle with a triumphant smile. The smile of a little boy who has found a snail in the backyard and presents it to his father.
We are the dregs of life

I believe everyone can be considered as the dregs of life. Sometimes we just need to feel like it. We need to feel like there's nothing for us, there's no one for us and we're not good enough for anyone. We need to feel like we're the worst of our kind. Only then, can we emerge as the winner of the struggle. You need to hit the bottom before you can touch the sky. It's all about falling seven times and rising up eight times.

Do not panic, leave no trace

Everything will be alright. Be reasonable, show your feelings but do not fall into a coma of panicing thoughts. Do not let your fears take control over you. Show them who you are, be yourself - the most mature self you can ever be. Tell no one, tell someone. Just express your thoughts somehow but don't leave a trace for the people whom it doesn't concern. They only want to feed from your fears.

Pretend to not care

Why would you pretend not to care? If you care about something or someone, show it.

Do you ever dream about making a difference

All my life. I have written a blog text about this passage before and it still applies. I feel good about myself nowadays. I know I make a difference and matter to people. I know I can make a difference in this world, in my world, in the world of another person. I have a meaning - I just don't know what it is yet.

I have waited all my life 
For someone to get me out of here
I never knew the view from the edge
Of the world would look like this

This is the part of this song, which I hold close to my heart. It speaks to me in personal words of wisdom and truth. This is what has happened to me in the last ten days, or the last ten months.

It's been my lifelong dream to escape. First, I needed to know that I meant something to someone, or meant something to many. Only then could I leave. I have waited all my life to get out here but I have always visioned myself getting out of here with another person. Not alone. The world is too great to experience alone. If you are happy, if you see something majestic, you need to be able to show it someone. No one can be happier alone than they are with someone. This is a fact I'd be willing to fight for. I now have a someone who can take me out of here. Out of this prison of accomplishment and rush. I can finally escape the reality and express myself somehow. Who knows, maybe I'll never return?

I have also written a blog text about standing on the cliff and falling down. It's the edge of the world. The view from up here is maginificent.
Our thoughts beaten senseless
Sometimes you need to feel something so powerful that it beats your thoughts senseless. You need to feel complete emotional numbness and distortion. Through these experiences we can furthermore fortify our mind. Build a castle, a fortress, strong enough to take anything. We don't have to let anyone we don't want to inside the fortress. We are the kings of our fortresses and we rule the castles of our minds. But, you need two black eyes before you can call yourself the king of your mind. Two black eyes from the fists of your peasants. To be humiliated, to be hurt. The peasants who work for rage and despair.

Collecting compassionate stares
When you're sitting in a room with people in it, and you're crying. You're an utter mess of fractured emotions and wasted tears. The other people in the room will give you compassionate stares. You can either ignore them or smile back. Sometimes you're just so deep inside the cave-in of your feelings that you can't see the rays of sunlight that are directed towards you. 
This passage also bears a double meaning to me. It also means that people can think whatever they like of something but only the people involved will know what something is about. They can stare at my behavior with compassionate stares but they might never understand what it is about. How I feel, how someone else feels.

Blind to the world in front of us
Deaf to your own will
Sometimes I wonder if love makes you blind. I suppose it does. But sometimes I wonder if you can blind towards the things you love. You know something good might come out of it, but you don't want to think about it aloud. You live in the now because you might be afraid of the future. You might be afraid of how good it might be - how much you might be able to enjoy your life. You're afraid of entering the vulnerable state of happiness. All independence lost, bound together. Thinking like this makes you blind, blind and rejecting. Your want towards something will not subside by rejecting it. No. It will only gain ground and grow stronger. Take a leap off the cliff - that's what I did.

Surrounded by deceivers
People might be deceiving. This passage is so full of anger. Anger, which I, too, have felt. Anger, which you can touch. Anger, which you can overcome. Anger, which turned into love.

Come reap the harvest with me
Break hearts just to feed the anger
The anger that used to be love
I suppose it's a two-way process. Breaking the hearts of others to feed your own anger that used be love. Your own anger towards yourself. The anger, which came from loving someone. Luckily with the time and the ways anyone can defeat such anger. All it takes is a bit of trust. Then you can turn it the other way around. Completing hearts just to feed the love, the love that used be anger.

I have waited all my life
For someone to get me out of here
I never knew the view from the edge
Of the world would look like this

I have waited all my life
For someone to get me out of here
I never knew the view from the edge
Of the world would look like this

From the shadows - into the blacklight
This is what I did. I came from the shadows and entered the blacklight. I struggled through a phase of pain and came out as a winner shining in blacklight. My triumph over my own feelings created an aura over me. An aura of great self-conscience and defiant contention. I can do anything, I can be who I am and no one can stop me. Thrust a fist into my face and I will turn it into something good. Thrust a bullet through my face and I will turn it into pleasure. Thrust a needle through my heart and I will turn it into love. 
If it's possible, I am complete.

.but no one will give me a map.

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