Tuesday, March 15, 2011


The cliff.

I have used the metaphor of the cliff in quite a few of the many texts here. It's a strong metaphor in my opinion and describes my feelings of fear, the unknown, and conquering fear. The cliff, I imagine, to be something sturdy and something I can rely on. The rock on which I'm standing on - be it a person or a state of mind. From the cliff you can see far and wide, you can study your whole life from this moderately safe place. There are no fences at the edge of the cliff but you're standing far away from them to feel comfortable. In this comfort zone you feel like you're above everything in your life and you have total control over it. Nothing can defeat you and you spread your arms and feel the warm wind rushing through your hair. You're so confident in your state of mind that you can easily take steps closer to the edge of the cliff. You can feel your heart starting to beat faster. You can almost hear the blood rushing in your veins. You close your eyes, keeping your arms spread out. The wind is blowing faster now and it's about to blow you backwards. Back to the safer part of the cliff.

You jump.

One can draw various conclusions of what jumping from the cliff means. To me it means two things: the first one is taking a risk and the second one is leaving your comfort zone for good.

There's not going to be a trampoline at the end of the flight to bounce you back up. There's not going to be a warm-watered lake in which you can jump safely into. You're not going to grow wings. There are sharp rocks, like needles made of granite, and you're on a colliding course with them. That's how taking a risk feels, doesn't it? Jumping and not knowing whether you're going to end up being safe or killed in the action. Leaving your comfort zone has the same attributes, only leaving a comfort zone will almost always prove to be a good choice. Taking a risk has its backside as well - failure.

I decided to take a risk today. I jumped off my cliff and I'm mid-air now. And I don't know if I've ever been more, how can you say it, mentally scared. Of course, being scared is always mental but I'm not facing anything here that I should be physically afraid of. Nothing is going to hurt me physically but I might end up hurting myself or others on an emotional level and that's what I'm the most scared of. Involving someone else in your risk gives exponential growth to thetaking of it.

So, here I am, falling down from the cliff and not knowing where I will eventually land. Time will tell. The problem here is that I  nowadays seem to have issues with the concept of time. There's always time. That's what I keep telling others, and myself but as of recent, I've started to doubt that. What if one day I'll look into the mirror and say to myself: "Your time is up." What if one day some one else comes up to me and says: "Our time is up." Thinking and doubting my own philosophy of life is excruciating - my mind wants to implode. Add in there a couple of emotional problems I'm dealing with and the constant longing I'm feeling, the constant need to be, to see, to feel (someone?), and you get a man made of pieces of a puzzle. A man made of shattered glass.

.more erosion.

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