Sunday, February 20, 2011


The person.

Time for some late night ramblings, accompied by the exhiliriating combination of God Is An Astronaut and Brand New. Tonight's topic: me.

I've been reading personality psychology today, again. oh, shit, my roommate's friend laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.

And as I was reading I started evaluating myself with the criteria used on some of the research and theoretical models. Psychotism, extrovertism, and neutrocism, for example. I got the impression that I'm actually a fairly healthy guy, a good guy too. I don't really fit into the worse criteria and if I have some bad qualities, they tend to be so minor that they don't shift the balance from the good side to depressed mode. I actually don't think I give myself enough credit for the person I have become, the person that I am. I tend to humble down on my knees quite often and concentrate only on what I'm not good at. But then again, I don't want to hear the good things from myself, I want to hear them from others. Hearing the good things from others makes you feel like you've achieved something and the compliments are rewards. Hearing the good things from yourself makes you feel like a self-centered asshole.

Have you ever met a person with whom you'd like to lay down with on the floor and stare at the roof? I have.

I like to think of myself as a good friend too. That's something I would definitely not like to credit myself for. But I feel like this time I've deserved typing it there. Just seeing it makes me feel confident. I've been pretty much alone for the last two days. Just two days and I already feel like I need company. I need someone to laugh with, I need someone to smile at, I need someone to talk with. I can't fulfill myself by just typing, staring at the screen. I am socially dependant. Then again, who, in the end, isn't?

Have you ever met a person who you'd like to lift up on your shoulders and know that they're smiling just because you are too? I have.

A quality I lack, though, is expressing my feelings by speech. I'm pretty good at writing them down, as you might have noticed. And by pretty good I mean that I can write them down instead of just holding them in. But talking aloud about them has always been hard, and probably always will be hard. I know I'm not the worst case scenario of this but I'm quite a bad one too. My problem is that I suck the problems of others, their bad feelings, and convert them into my bad feelings. They block out of the sun in my head with a dam made out of worries that might not even consider me.

Have you ever met a person with whom you'd like to look down from a mountain, see the world from above, and know that you're happy with this person? I have.

I can't remember whether I already wrote about staying up late and thinking about things, so I'm going to type it out here again. I did this a couple of nights ago and came to realize that I needed it. I needed to go deep into myself and ask myself some questions, interrogate my mind. And also, I love how songs by Brand New always bear some, or a lot of, relevance with my life, as emotional and painful as they are.

.i think this staying up is exactly what i need.

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