Friday, September 23, 2011


The morning light and the flooded river.

I don't know.

My father says that things happen in circles. Everything has a starting point but eventually all your actions will lead back to the starting in some way or another. The diameter of the circle is not of a mathematical length - its measure is in years, people, emotions and decisions. Every year, every person, every emotion, every decision, they all work together for us to make our lives circle and rotate. When do you notice that a circle is complete? When do you notice that you're back to the starting point from where you originally set off from?

I know that I was sitting on this couch approximately a year ago with approximately the same thoughts in my head. The couch is still as uncomfortable as it was a year ago and I'm still me. Here I am, sitting again and pondering how my life is today. To tell you the truth, there is no truth about it. During the week I have had to go through such a pile of difficult emotions - I think I've partly lost myself in them.

Some of the difficult emotions are negative. They made me feel incredibly stupid, they made me lose hope in people, they made me feel like I would never want to help a person again. Now these emotions are floating in an overflown stream of thoughts, without a destination. They are hands, which need another hand, they are cheeks, which need a shoulder to lean on, they are eyes, which need tears to moisture them.

Some of the difficult emotions are neutral. Neutral so that I don't know what to feel about them. Departure, loss, slight fear of the unknown. These emotions are diving into the river of thoughts to lose themselves from reality.

Some of the diffucult emotions are positive. Excitement, joy, love and the miracle of finding someone again, even though you have been with them all the time. These emotions are jammed against the dam, which is flooding the river. They want to burst out but there are so many emotions blocking their way. So many of them.

The morning light brings hope. Hope of a shoulder, hope of a new morning. The stream of my emotions needs a lover to reach out a hand for them. The river of my thoughts needs a change to lift the feelings up to the surface for me to feel them. The dam needs to be broken. The circle needs to be completed.

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