Monday, February 14, 2011


The miserable feeling of not knowing.

I don't know if it's forbidden to feel under the weather on Valentine's Day or if it's okay to have black thoughts circling your head like vicious demons. And frankly, I don't care.

If there's one feeling I hate the most, it's the feeling of being left in the dark. Not knowing. You're not being told about things, you're not certain of what someone else feels, you're not sure of what you should do next. Whether you can even do anything. That's probably the feeling up there in the second place. The feeling that you have no control over something, absolutely none. You just have to watch as something goes by. You can't control what it does, how it feels or what it says. You just have to sit tight and wait until you fall off the edge of the world.

You open up. You bleed your heart out. No response, from nowhere. Now that's a horrible feeling. It makes you feel insecure and uncertain. Have I done anything right, ever? Restless. You can't settle your thoughts on anything and you don't feel like doing anything. You just run circles in your apartment, even though you can't run and there's no room for circling. You try laying down, you stand back up immediately. You trying sitting and typing, you feel like you're the stupidest person ever. Why are you just sitting there and typing meaningless shit into your god-forsaken blog? Why aren't you dealing with what you feel like a man, instead of whining about stuff semi-anonymously? Can't you even stand up to yourself? Are you scared, do you stress too much, or are you just plain stupid? in love. No, I refuse to be any of those. I'm just a stubborn man with an imagination too wild for his own thoughts.

Dependance creates the feelings of being left in the dark. When you're dependant on knowing about something or knowing of what someone else thinks, you start bringing up mindless hypotheses about things you're imagining. These imaginative monsters of insecurity only furthermore boost the image of you as the person in the dark.

Looking back, this is probably the most impulsive, and also filled with anger, text I have written here and publishing it is probably something I might regret. Being angry at yourself is not something to viewed by the public and apparently I fail to understand this as I'm going let this text out.

.i will follow you into the dark.

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