18062011

The 14th Dalai Lama and the leap of death.

“When things are desperate, there is no need to pretend that everything is beautiful.”

Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama 

You're feeling a little dizzy - you thought you still had some control over your head but now it's just a moving piece that silently swoops along with your legs. The night isn't dark anymore and the air is fresh. Some people are walking past you as you wander the grayish streets alone in a town that sleeps. They seem to be laughing, chattering, smiling. You can't hear their voices though. The people could be just fragments of your imagination. Empty shells in a meaningless life. You come to a stop.

The view has never been this great. It seems like all the colors have come to life and are full of emotions. Even the soft summer breeze feels more vivid than it did before. But the life, the feelings, they all fade away and you're left with the same blankness that overcame your mind a few days ago. (Is life worth it?) The people have stopped walking. They're looking at you now. You know this even though you can't see them, can't hear them. They're staring at your back. You climb onto the railing.

You've decided that some things are not worth the pain they cause. You close your eyes. Your thoughts drift away in silence. Your dearest friends, your family, your life, they're all smiling at you now inside your head. You smile back at them as you slowly lean forward. And then, nothing.

-

A person I knew committed suicide last night. I don't know how I feel about it. I didn't know the person that well. He was two years younger than me and I had been a camp tutor for him for a week. I had a week with him. A week. That's a fairly short time from my life, and a longer time from his life. Yet, I had my chance of making a difference in his life. I played a part in raising this young one. A minor part, but a part nonetheless.

I might've seen him last night. I saw his friends who recognized me from the same camp. This makes me feel odd. I might've been in his life during the last hours of it.

I think suicide is the most selfish thing a human being can do. Thinking about suicides that people commit makes me angry. This made me sad, though. Sad that someone in my life has had to go through such devastating feelings that they haven't been able to cope with them. Sad that the person in my life has seen only one way out. Sad that the person took the only way out.

There's a bridge in the town I've spent my youth in. The bridge runs high above the largest rapids in my country and the drop from the bridge to the sharp rocks of the  rapids is long. Jumping off the bridge has become an iconic way for young people to commit suicides. We're young but we can't fly. I hope every person to come off that bridge has found peace. Youth for their souls, wings for their smiles.