Tuesday, August 23, 2011


A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it does gather other low forms of life such as bacteria.

I've been rolling on a speedway one hundred miles per hour for the last couple months. I've been close to exhaustion at some points but I've always managed to get over the moments. Two nights ago I nearly came to a complete stop. I think I have never been so tired in a bad way. During my military service I was tired enough to fall asleep while sitting up against a tree with the ground surrounded by frost and temperature going way below zero. But the tiredness of the beginning of this week has been different.

Yesterday went by quite well. I had an excellent day at work and gave out the best performance of my whole team. I came home after picking up some groceries from the store, I made decent Chinese food, went running as I usually do on Mondays, wrote a nice review of a great album and then it struck me again. The complete, all-over exhaustion. A person I hold close to my heart called me just before going to bed and opening my mouth during the conversation felt like lifting up bolders from the entrance of a tomb. With a warmed heart, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I had bad dreams for the second night in a row. Not nightmares but unpleasant nonetheless. Dreams of failure, refusal, envy.

I felt like dying in the morning. I was ready to skip the whole day ahead of me. Just stay in bed and sleep away. But I'm not like that. I won't rest until I'm forced to do so. And now I am. I managed to stay at work for less than half a day and here I am: bags under my eyes, a sore throat, an aching body and a head ready for a headache that has been trying to make its way into my forehead for the past two hours.

I need to learn how to rest properly. I guess some part of me is afraid of gathering moss. Stopping for a while, resting, halting - they all make me feel old. I don't want to feel old when I'm 21. But now the road to action has been cut of by a measly disease and I'm stuck inside a prison of rest.

.feel its weight, lay your head down.

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